Anthony Lawrence…

For sometime many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You dont know Jack shit! Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O. Shit the owner of Knee Deep in Shit Inc. In turn Jack shit married Noe shit. The deeply religious couple had six children : Holy Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout.

After 15 years , Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and She married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Shirlock . Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Loda Shit and had a rather nervous deposition named Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Shit.

So from now on, no one can tell you that you dont know Jack shit!

A way of toasting someone: “Over a fire”

A boy’s name beginning with the letter J: “Gerald”

An instrument you can play whilst walking the street: “A cello”

A type of oil: “Sewing machine oil”

A word beggining with Z: “Xylophone”

A slang word for a girl: “Slag”

An animal with horns: “A bee”

A medievil weapon: “Hand-grenade”

Something made of wool: “A sheep”

Something a bridgegroom might wear: “A dress”

Someone you wouldn’t expect to see in a strip club: “Animals”

An animal with a long tail: “A rabbit”

Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: “A magnifying glass”

Something you put out for the birds: “Worms”

A way to prevent snoring: “Put a pillow over his face”

A word used to describe a very hot day: “A very hot day”

A song from ‘The Sound of Music’: “Dancing Queen”

Someone who works early hours: “A burglar”

Something made to be wheeled around: “A Hammer”

A reason for kneeling: “To be beheaded”

A nickname for a slim person: “Slimmy”

A measurement of liquid: “Paint”

Something that’s nice to wear next to your skin: “Pants”

A famous dick: “Carrot”

A wild animal that’s native to Britain: “A bear”

Something that comes in 7’s: “Fingers”

A vocalist known by only one name: “Michael Jackson”

A yellow fruit: “Orange”

An animal beggining with B: “Bullfrog”

Something associated with Liverpool: “The yellow brick road”

A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: “Little Red Riding Hood”

Something associated with rain: “Water”

An animal that lives in the English countryside: “A lion”

Something you make into a ball: “Egg”

A game that uses a black ball: “Darts”

A popular TV soap: “Dove”

Other than ‘carrier’, a type of bag: “Horse”

Something you might find in a garage: “A grand piano”

Something a frechman would say: “On Garde”

This is an actual job application form that a 17-year old boy submitted at McDonald’s restaurant in Florida.  They hired him because he was so honest and funny!

Name: Greg Bulmash
Sex: Not yet.  Still waiting for the right person.
Desired Position: Company’s president of Vice-president.  But seriously, whatever’s available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
Desired Salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Education: Yes
Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility.
Salary: Less than I’m worth.
Most Notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason for Leaving: It sucked.
Available to work: Of course, that’s why I’m applying.
Preferred Hours: 1.30 – 3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.
Do you have any special skills: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
May we contact your current employer?: If I had one, would I be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50lbs?: Of what?
Do you have a car?: I think the more approriate question here would be, “Do you have a car that runs?”
Have you received any special rewards or recognition?: I may already be a winner of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Do you smoke?: On the job, No; On my breaks, yes.
What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I’d like to be doing that right now.
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes, absolutely.
Sign here: Aries.

“I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors; but there is no fucking way paper can beat rock.  Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile?  Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors?  Screw scissors! Why can’t paper do this to people?  Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why; because paper can’t beat anybody! A rock would tear that shit up in seconds.  When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors; I always choose rock.  Then when someone claims to have beaten my with paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, ‘Oh shit! I’m sorry! I thought paper would protect you… you asshole’!”
-Unknown